You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
