seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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