In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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