WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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