he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
