i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
