I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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