Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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