it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
