I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
