just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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