im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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