If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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