i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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