i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
