Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
