i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
