He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
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He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
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There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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