If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i love accidental penises.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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