My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
