Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
