im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
