I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
