When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
