we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
