Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize