her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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