May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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