planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
