Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
