anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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