Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
