Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
