I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
