I will die if light touches me.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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