I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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