I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
