I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
