i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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