Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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