dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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