Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
