it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
