Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
