I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
