Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
