here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I checked into jail on foursquare
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
