I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
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the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
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I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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