Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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