I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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