FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
