Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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