I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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