Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
