I look better un-naked...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
