I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
