I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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