your parents love me but you hate me
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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