my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
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please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
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Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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