take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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