It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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