K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
