the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
