What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
